fecal finale

Do you think dogs feel grateful when we pick up their shit for them? Or are they more haughty and regal about it, like yes of course, this is proper and good, this is how things should be? Cats almost certainly err towards the latter. I have personally witnessed one sneer at me while in the act.

Birds probably don’t think much of it at all as they missile theirs by all projectile-like. Did you know that most of them eat their chicks’ shit for them, like straight butt-to-mouth? So that it doesn’t pile up in the nest, muck up feathers, perhaps begin to suffocate cute innocent chicks, etc? Yep!

Cows shit while multitasking. I have never happened upon a shitting cow who was not, at the same time, also chewing cud.

I cannot speak with any authority to the issue of fish shit. I suppose theirs is just washed away into the welcoming waters upon its cloudy release, shushing, ebbing into the tides or the eddies or our Dasanis.

Some people prefer to act as if they don’t shit at all. You can usually recognize these types by their posture, one best described as Calvinistic. Others brandish their bowel movements as an essential facet of their identity, all Boy oh boy did I drop a monster log this morning ha ha youshouldaseenit or Pfffffffrrt! Some are chronically constipated and some chronically runny and some try a bit too hard to do it a bit too purge-like a bit too often and those types sometimes have to go see a head specialist along with a gut guy.

Some do it in a bag.

In all likelihood, you will be doing it in an adult diaper one day soon. If you are vagina-bearing and fortunate enough to be blessed with a lil’ one prior to that point, you will almost certainly squeeze some out onto the table while pushing the rascal out in full frontal view of your loved ones. Look it up! Or consider adoption!

And yes, I hate to be the one, but a great many of you will void your bowels at the moment your soul departs your body to go shuffle off this mortal coil. No shame in that! If it makes you feel any better, at that point it will (at last) no longer be your problem.

So I guess what I’m getting at is don’t take it personally, the next time your dog starts to squat and does that locking-eyes-yearningly thing with you and either does or does not take some pleasure in its power over you at that moment. It is simply seeing you, the both of you, as you truly are: a finite, unknowable, sublimely ordained number of shits away from your thunderous fecal finale.